Areloas, Particle Physics, and Cosmic Wangs: 10 Reasons You Should Read the Original Watchmen
Jun 21, 2012 by     7 Comments    Posted In: Articles, Editorial

Alan Moore wins every staring contestI scoured and scrubbed every corner of the internet (and boy are my arms tired! *rimshot*) and I realized there’s very little information available about Alan Moore’s Watchmen or its prequels, Before Watchmen. I mean, NObody is talking about this! And I’ve also learned that, similar to Star Wars and its prequels, almost nobody knows about the original story or is upset that the original is being desecrated. I’m here to help with both valuable information about the original Watchmen and why you should give it a glance – or at least check out cliff’s notes.

Here are 10 reasons you should read the original Watchmen.

#1: Alan Moore will sick Satan on you if you buy Before Watchmen without reading his deconstructivist letter to superheroes. Don’t believe me? Want proof? Just look at him! Do those eyes look like they belong to a Mormon? No! They are the eyes of a dark occult master who mixes the souls of infants with his absinthe!

Ok fine, maybe he won’t send Beelzebub to collect your ghost but at the very least he’ll be slightly annoyed. You don’t want to irritate the dark lord’s left hand do you? I didn’t think so.

Doctor Manhattan's swinger#2: You should read the original Watchmen (can we please officially rename The Watchmen to The Original Watchmen so we can watch Alan Moore foam at the mouth?) mostly because if you don’t, the other nerds will hiss at you. *shiver* The Nerd Hiss is the worst hiss of all hisses ever hissed. Fear The Nerd Hiss!

#3: Another reason to read the original Watchmen? Silk Spectre’s nipples. No, I’m NOT gonna link to it. Dirty up your own browser history you pervert!

#4: Dr. Manhattan. He’s a blue dude who walks around naked because of his godlike ability to control reality at the subatomic level. Something like that. It makes sense when you read it. Or maybe he’s just one of the most grandiose perverts ever to grace the earth (second only to Prince). But honestly, wouldn’t you trot around naked if you had a quantum schlong?

#5: Did I mention Alan Moore worships a snake? Because he totally does.

#6: Telepathic giant squid (spoiler alert oops too late). Yup, The Original Watchmen story is resolved with one of the most overused tropes in the superhero genre. The psychic calamari. *snore* How many times do we need to read a story about a metaphysical cuttlefish? I don’t know about you, but I saw it coming a mile away.

Alan Moore and his rings#7: The Original Watchmen contains plenty of slashing of aortas and gruesome depictions of rape. Your kids will beg you to read it to them at bedtime every night! And when they’re through with Watchmen you can move on to Lost Girls, yet another charmer by Mr. Moore about the sexual exploits of kids. It’s totally rad dude!

#8: Rorschach. He’s the most lovable right-wing fundamentalist nut one could ever hope to encounter. Invite him to your birthday party and he’ll tell you his joke! Then meat cleave your terrier.

#9: I did mention that Alan Moore is okay with being mad as long as he’s functional didn’t I? The guy has more rings than Saturn! Which he no doubt also worships.

#10: It’s a good superhero story. One of the best ones ever written. And it deserves every ounce of praise ever heaped upon it. It revolutionized comics and made history. Alan Moore is a brilliant writer, a literary magician. Thank you Alan, for writing Watchmen.



7 Comments Add Comment

  • Jason Martin June 21, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Alan Moore is a super creepy fella.

  • Chip Reece June 21, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    I feel like he’s trying to mind control me in that last picture. WHOA!

  • Jason prime June 21, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    @chip: That’s how he wants you to feel. So it’s working.

  • Tim Morse June 22, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    Is it safe to say that Alan Moore wants us to hate the industry, but still buy his books, but hate the industry?

  • J Prime June 22, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    It’s not safe to say anything about Alan Moore.

  • Tom H June 24, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    Alan Moore is overrated. Pfft.

  • Jason Newcomb June 25, 2012 at 4:55 am

    Good point Tom. You win this round.