“OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD! THAT WAS AMAZING! HA! Did you hear what I said? I said that The Amazing Spider-Man was AMAZING! I totally didn’t mean to say that, but that was so, so funny. OMG ANDREW GARFIELD! SQUEEEEEEE! I mean, seriously, he is like, the PERFECT Spider-Man! He was, like, funny, and hot, and skinny, and hot, and I totally loved him in the suit. Did you SEE him in the suit?! I DIDN’T EVEN MIND THAT IT WASN’T WHAT THE SPIDER-SUIT IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE!
And, like, usually I hate Emma Stone, because #%&* HER! for being so gorgeous, but she is SO GOOD as Gwen Stacy! She SO embodied the spirit and feistiness of the original comics creation and I HOPE HOPE HOPE she doesn’t die in the next one like Gwen Stacy ALWAYS dies, and her BOOTS were KILLER!
And the Lizard guy was so totally hot; I love guys with British accents, and the Lizard looking thing maybe didn’t have the snout like he did in the comics and he looked a little bit like one of the Goombas from the Bob Hoskins Super Mario Bros. movie all jacked out on steroids, but he was STILL pretty cool, and the fighting was SOOOOO awesome and intense and effectively choreographed, and I LOVED LOVED LOVED the Lizard’s motivation, his desire to create a society of reptilian perfection out of the remains of man’s warm blooded dominance, AND the fact that Dr. Conners was portrayed as a very sympathetic villain just as in the comic, AND AND AND that the Lizard, while not a perfect character design, came off as a complete overmatch for Spider-Man which, when the character is done correctly in the comics, is precisely what he’s supposed to be. I mean them getting that right was SO FETCH! SHUT UP, “Fetch” is TOTALLY going to happen!
Also, the old guy playing Gwen’s dad was super sexy in that old guy kind of way, like when he’s got that bullet proof vest and the shotgun and everything? I was so like, “Oh, you can arrest me, officer.” OMG YOU’RE SO BAD! Who was that guy? Denis somebody? Never heard of him.
And Uncle Ben was SO CUTE! I can’t believe they killed him! Wait was that a spoiler? SORRY! You know who that was? That was that one guy who was on that one episode of Two and a Half Men. Did you see that episode? With the dad? That was a good episode. And Aunt May was adorable! You know that wasn’t an actress; that was actually Andrew Garfield’s real-life aunt. MY GOD I WANT TO MARRY ANDREW GARFIELD FOREVER AND EVER!
Who’re Martin Sheen and Sally Field? Whatevs.
And I’m SO GLAD we saw it in 3D! I NEVER see things in 3D because that’s, like, a million dollars and stuff, but ANDREW’S BUNS IN 3D WERE TOTALLY EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK! And the sensation of web-swinging, plus the sense of depth and vertigo that the 3D experience lent to the film? SO WORTH IT!
Look, we totally have to see it again, okay? Because, first of all, ANDREW, and, second of all, director Marc Webb and screenwriters Steve Klove (of Harry Potter franchise frame) Alvin Sargent, and James Vanderbilt TOTALLY made a film that captured the essence of what Spider-Man needs to be: tortured, unlucky, funny, chatty, and selfless.
Also, I’m completely in love with that college guy who works the popcorn machine. I’m so gonna make my move next time.
Tom Hoefner (@TomHoefner on Twitter) is a playwright, theatre director, college professor, and would-be novelist living in Brooklyn with his wife and daughter. Spidey’s his dude.
Check out “From the Casefiles of Race and Cookie McCloud”, a blog of super-short stories chronicling the adventures of Race McCloud, Private Eye, and his 15-year old former-secret-agent-in-training niece Cookie: http://raceandcookie.blogspot.com