As disappointed fans of The Hunger Games fill my Facebook newsfeed this morning, I’m reminded once again of the absolute power wielded by that immortal pair: Pre-Movie Hype and its nefarious doppelganger and darker shade, Post-Movie Letdown
Pre-Movie Hype builds anticipation and excitement for months, maybe even years. Post-Movie Letdown gets relegated to the back of your DVD shelf alongside those dusty copies of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull and The Matrix sequels.
Pre-Movie Hype sells you collector’s cups, action figures, and in some rare instances, bed sheets. Post-Movie Letdown leaves you wondering what the hell you’re going to do with all your Roland Emmerich Godzilla crap.
Pre-Movie Hype smells like garlic, marinara, and bubbling cheese. Post-Movie Letdown tastes like coagulated tire rubber caught in the back of your throat.
Pre-Movie Hype buys you a drink at the bar and tells you you’re beautiful. Post-Movie Letdown sneaks out while you’re in the shower and erases its number from your cell phone.
Pre-Movie Hype makes Chuck Norris look like a bitch. Post-Movie Letdown gets its ass handed to it by the emaciated ghost of Charles Nelson Reilly.
Pre-Movie Hype holds out the brass ring. Post-Movie Letdown shoves the brass ring into a bull’s nose and chases you down the streets of Pamplona with it. You do not get away.
Pre-Movie Hype is fully realized motion controls. Post-Movie Letdown is countless games about cooking, ping-pong, and doing yoga (with graphics straight out of 2004 as a bonus.)
Pre-Movie Hype wears beer goggles. Post-Movie Letdown wears bifocals.
Pre-Movie Hype takes you slowly up that first hill, cars clanking on a steel frame as you climb into the horizon, a big anxious grin plastered across your face. Post-Movie Letdown sends you on a wobbly detour into the restroom to scrub half-digested funnel cake off of your shirt.
Pre-Movie Hype is a full-universe all-in crossover event that has been built up and carefully plotted for close to five years. Post-Movie Letdown is Secret Invasion.
Pre-Movie Hype wears six-inch stilettos. Post-Movie Letdown wears orthopedic clogs. (For the ladies: Pre-Movie Hype wears suits of Italian silk. Post-Movie Letdown wears Ed Hardy.)
Pre-Movie Hype takes us to Enemy of the State just to see the trailer for Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace. Post-Movie Letdown tells us about midi-chlorians.
Pre-Movie Hype swallows up your quarter and tells you to “Press Start… FIGHT!” Post-Movie Letdown leaves you searching frantically in your pockets ten seconds later as the “Continue?” clock clicks downward towards zero.
Pre-Movie Hype gives you a pop when your music hits and you enter the arena to fireworks while the ring announcer roars out your name. Post-Movie Letdown is an hour-long match of nothing but arm bars and leg locks.
Pre-Movie Hype says, “I’ve never tried THIS before!” Post-Movie Letdown makes you sleep in the wet spot.
Pre-Movie Hype is the Yankees. Post-Movie Letdown is the Mets.
Pre-Movie Hype is so continuously enticing, so bright, so colorful, so promising, that we will continue to buy into it and hold onto it, film after film after film, no matter how many times we’re wet-willied by Post-Movie Letdown.
God, The Avengers is gonna be awesome. Until, y’know, it’s actually released.
Tom Hoefner (@TomHoefner on Twitter) is a playwright, theatre director, college professor, and would-be novelist living in Brooklyn with his wife and daughter. He was totally going to write about superheroes this week, he swears, but this morning Facebook presented him with this very important topic that demanded, DEMANDED, his immediate attention. NEXT WEEK! CAPES! GUARANTEED!
Dude, I think I experienced PML after watching the last Avengers trailer.
Battle Royale > The Hunger Game
