This is the most difficult type of movie to review. To find something to say about a perfectly down-the-middle Disney movie (read “toy ad”) is one of the most challenging things for a critic. Well, life is full of challenges, so screw you challenge! I will own you!
Frankly, this movie was terrible.
The Disney/Pixar commercial juggernaut known as John Carter achieves exactly what it hopes to. It manages to hit every plot point at the right time, punches up the “family safe” dialog with one-liners, place the action sequences just before the target demographic gets bored with the talky scenes and wedges in a clean-cut store bought romance – kiss on the lips, no tongue, eat your green vegetables and go to church on Sundays. It’s a good recipe for box office pie because there’s a different flavored slice for each demographic sector. But you’ll forget it as soon as you’re out the door.
John Carter, (the fact that they did not add “of Mars” to that title speaks to the painfully conservative approach permeating most aspects of this film) tells the story of a Civil War vet – named John Carter of course (Taylor Kitsch) – who finds himself isolated on the planet Mars after stumbling upon a plot device in a cave. On Earth, Carter refused involvement in some historic American conflict (pardon my Canadian ignorance of American military lore) due to intense grief over the loss of his family. On Mars, John finds himself conveniently placed in the same exact plot but with aliens instead. The titular character must then find the will to fight for a genuine cause and allow himself to fall in love with a henna tattooed exotic princess supermodel clothed in a long strategically draped scarf ie. Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins). Oh my, what a terrible fate to suffer! Cue the sulking machine.
Along the way, John learns about the mythology of “Barsoom” (ie. Mars), wins over four-armed aliens with his brash attitude and reckless propensity to engage in fisticuffs. Additionally, John is positioned inside multi-million dollar toy ads for such character and prop gems as a martian dog with super-speed and some kind of speeder bike with dragon fly wings.
It’s bad news when some of the most memorable performances are not delivered by humans but rather CGI puppets. Taylor Kitcsh (I had to correct myself here as I nearly typed Trailer Hitch) and Lynn Collins are more awkward on screen than two 15 year olds on a date to a junior prom. Collins has striking screen presence when she is at the center of a scene – especially ones involving action and combat – but has no clue how to share one. I’d describe Kitsch as Keanu sans entertaining bemusement. His nipples, on the other hand, are quite mesmerizing. Someone should nominate them for an award.
On the side of the villains, Mark Strong turns his role as an immortal chaos manager into something that could be deemed interesting if he wasn’t given lines of dialog pulled out of a bag of chips. Can someone please put this great actor in some good movies? The rest of the villains are average and dull, having essentially no story and no reason to be in the movie other than occupying the token role of “being the bad guy that the good guy has to sword fight at the end”. To reiterate, Disney plays it safe. No risks taken. Don’t stick your head out the window kids you might accidentally have fun.
The movie has a few (barely) redeeming qualities. One scene early in the movie, where John first discovers reduced gravity, is a cute visual gag. Also, the ambiguously greco-roman set designs are imaginative and infuse the flick with a bit of art deco grandeur. The costumes are equally well thought out and hint at east indian – occasionally egyptian – and art nouveau esthetics. The desert and Grand Canyon locations are fun to spectate but despite being peppered with alien paraphernalia, never managed to enchant me or entirely convince me that the story took place on another planet. And frankly, no matter how pretty the visuals were, by the time the movie ended I wanted to go for drinks. And then the movie ended… again. Yes, it’s one of those twist endings that might mildly surprise you if you could be made to care about what’s going on.
John Carter is a good-looking Disney* movie which takes absolutely no risks. It’s chief guiding principle is to be as generic and innocuous as possible. And I’ve decided that there is rarely anything more boring than making a “safe” movie.
3.5/10
*Disney owns Marvel and if the trailer is any indication, this bodes badly for the Avengers movie my friends.
I liked the movie a bit better than you but the best I can do is damn with faint praise — the film is a gigantic misfire and it breaks my heart as a John Carter fan to realize this $250M disaster means it is one-and-done for one of my favorite heroes.
I am the last guy in the world to shout that “the book was better” — particularly over a book as cranky as A Princess of Mars … but, really, the book was better, which is a shocking thing to admit considering the film’s pedigree. How could the creator of Wall-E get the heart and sentimentality of the story so very wrong? Why is screen time devoted to boring and confusing Thern conspiracies and the Edgar Rice Burroughs framing sequences at the expense of developing the core relationships of John Carter, Tars, Woola, Sola, and Dejah Thoris?
The movie completely whiffs on the themes of compassion, love, loyalty, duty, and friendship that are the heart of ERB’s Martian saga.
What a disappointment.
I saw it over the weekend and generally liked it. It’s much more ‘Inspired By’ rather than ‘Based On’ the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs, so those hoping for a faithful adaptation will be disappointed. I was let down for the first half hour or so until I decided to enjoy the movie that was made rather than lament the one that wasn’t.
Lynn Collins’ Dejah Thoris could be one of the most positive role models for girls in a recent action movie. She was equally effective in both the exposition and the action sequences, and never fell into a purely ‘damsel in distress’ role.
This could have been a fairly successful summer popcorn flick, which makes me wonder why the studio decided to basically bury it with a March release. The earthbound sequences which bookend the Barsoom tale make it pretty clear they’re setting up for a sequel that will most likely never be made.
6/10
Also, I’m not sure how familiar you are with the source material, but you appear to be heaping some misplaced scorn on Disney. The appearance and behavior of Woola is quite faithful both to Burroughs’ description in the book. The air bikes are also within the dimensions that Burroughs laid out, although they arguably added such details as the wings.
As far as the deus ex cave goes, if anything they over-explained it in the movie. In the book, John Carter simply…goes to Mars. No further explanation is asked for or offered.
One of the main criticisms I’ve seen leveled at this movie in several different reviews is that implication that it’s somehow ripping off Star Wars or Dune or Avatar or any other number of sci-fi epics. The truth is that the cliches and tropes we now take for granted were fairly fresh and exciting when ERB wrote “A Princess of Mars” nearly 100 years ago. Unfortunately those ideas have been picked apart and copied so many times that old, stately Barsoom now feels to many like some shabby imposter.
I have no familiarity with Burroughs’ material.
I do know Lucas owes a creative debt to him. This does not change the chronology of film releases. If this film failed to overcome the challenge of being a long time coming, then the blame still rests squarely on its own shoulders
Had I been a John Carter fan, I might have gone softer on this. But I critiqued it to the best of my ability. And speeder bike reference aside, I feel I reviewed the film in a fairly insular manner.
I don’t disagree. This is a movie that easily could have and should have been made 40 years ago. Those that feel this movie is a pale shadow of more recent fare aren’t wrong, if that’s the only point of perspective they have. From that viewpoint, this film won’t find broad appeal and won’t garner huge box office returns. I’m simply looking at it from a different perspective.
As you say, your opinion might have been different if you were a John Carter fan. I am, and I found plenty in this film to enjoy.
Jason after reading your review for this movie and Ghost Rider, I think we may be polar opposites. But maybe not completely.
I enjoyed this movie despite a lot of cookie cutter situations. Honestly what ruined it for me more than anything was the textual tribute to Steve Jobs during the credits. But overall the concept and setting kept me interested.
For the record I knew nothing about John Carter before the movie besides the mental tag ‘Mars’.
Also I didn’t like action sequence at the beginning. Action sequences where you don’t care about any of the characters are hard to consider interesting.
